


Night away

by drunkbert



Series: The dark season of life [1]
Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), Sauli Koskinen RPF
Genre: Depressing, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Romance, Sad, Saulbert - Freeform, Slice of Life, philosophic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-29
Updated: 2017-10-29
Packaged: 2019-01-26 02:48:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 688
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12547104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drunkbert/pseuds/drunkbert
Summary: "Sauli..." He whispered brokenly.





	Night away

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted my first fanfiction to be kinda depressing and dramatic. I have never really written anything this short so it was also a test. 
> 
> Oh, and English isn't my first language as you can clearly see so please don't mind my mistakes. I'm doing my best.

"I did it again."

  
I was on my own bed doing nothing else but staring out of large windows right across the room. I was feeling warm but my lower back ached slightly because of my bad sitting position.The sky was evenly grey which only made me miss the sun and its ability to colour the sky during sunset. The big trees were out of leaves causing the scenery look sharp and depressing. The only warm colour was created by cars and street lamps. There was still a bit snow on the ground even though it had been raining earlier. A small ashtray was laying on the edge of a balcony table. I had been smoking more than usually. To my defence I said "it calms me" which it really did. I kept listening to the small noises my fridge was making and the sounds of cars speeding up outside. A girl laughed on the next door. My dog was fast asleep in the hallway snoring every now and then.  
  

Deep breath.

 

I was overreacting again, being dramatic and pathetic. Nothing was wrong for God's sake. I mouthed the word 'why' in my head and cried silently, letting the tears soak my cheeks. My mind kept drifting to everything negative in my life. I thought about my past and friends, the moments of humiliation, my family, my faults and other people's faults. I compared my feelings and experiences to everyone I knew. Some had it worse, some maybe easier. The angrier I felt the sadder I became. I thought about my mom and felt out of breath. I wish her relationship had worked, I wish dad could appreciate her and all the things she had done for him. I sometimes cried just because I wanted her life to be a better one.

  
 Finnish music played through my headphones. I realised how much I lately had cried while listening to old music from my childhood. Tears took away the pain that was otherwise hidden inside me. Before, I hadn't even known what hurt me so much. Now that I did know, I didn't understand it. The first realisation had hit me years ago so strongly that I was still overwhelmed by it. It had been the first time I had thought about ending my life right there and then.

 

 "Oh baby..."

"I'm sorry", I said and ended the phone call.

 

I was a bother.

 

Why couldn't I just be positive about everything I had in my life? I didn't know what was wrong with me. I felt like I had no way out of my situation. I didn't want to feel scared anymore. The world wasn't a good, happy place. All I wanted was silence. Deep silence. Never ending silence.

  
 My tears had stopped and I felt need to laugh at myself for being ridiculous. I had an upcoming concert in the near future which meant I would get to see my friends. It meant happiness. It was just hard to think of good things when you were feeling down and empty, "dead inside", I had once explained it to my psychologist.

 

I was pathetic.

 

A loser.  
  

My phone rang. I thought about ignoring it but I didn't want to be rude, I didn't want to make him worried about me.

 

_Again._

 

"Sauli..." He whispered brokenly.

 

I hated making him cry.

 

I closed my eyes and let out all the sobs I had been holding back. I knew he wanted me to open up to him. He never thought I was a bother.

  
"That's it baby", he told me soothingly.

"I'm here for you. I would never leave you."

  
 It took a while for me to calm down. It took a while for all the tears and pain to stop bugging me. I wasn't alone, I wasn't. I was never truly alone. I just wondered how long it would take for me to actually believe it.

 

How many times would Adam have to say it?

 

For how long he was able to?

 

There's only so much you can take. And he was just a human.

  
"Thank you...Adam..."


End file.
